What's lost is lost....

I feel like an entire part of me has died along with Jay. The part of me that gamed, played Playstation.... I don't even know how to show the kid how to play Star Wars Legos. Part of it is that he always handled that, that was their thing, part of it is that I don't think I can. It hurts too much. I find myself wondering if I will ever get that part of myself back. It seems like that part was the part that knows how to have fun... and it's dead too.

It was a gift to have a husband that understood completely and allowed me to embrace the parts of my life that weren't mainstream. The gaming, the Sims, the mudding, computer games. Right now, all that feels left is the mom parts; that which handles the day to day. Getting the kids to school, dressed, home, fed, bathed, in bed, to do it all over again. Is that all that will remain? Or is that all that doesn't hurt to keep alive right now?

I am sad today. What an understatement. My heart hurts. My shoulders hurt. I feel heavy with my grief, and yet, I don't cry. I am a stalwart soldier. I am Mommy. And even later, the sadness is contained. When there is no one to see me, I still am not able to let it out.

I'm sure that no one wants to read about my grief. Move on, world, if you can't handle it.